I've been having a tough time lately, which is down to a number of things really... The lack of a baby, the move, the church - and a few more things that take their toll individually. But, it started having an effect on my body, more than it did mentally. I was constantly nauseous, had stomach pains almost everyday, and I started to feel really down about almost everything. Work kind of ushered me to the doctors, which I'm grateful for, as this is when the doctors said it could be down to stress. I had a day or so off work to get myself together again, get my head around it all and just try to figure out why my body was reacting like this.
The doctors gave me a 'self-help' booklet that I should work through, which was all about depression and why I feel depressed. To be honest, I've never felt depressed, and still don't now.
To cut a long story short, I was signed off work last week until half term because I couldn't handle my day to day job. I ended up walking out of a classroom mid lesson to find myself in a staff room, crying my heart out. I just couldn't take it.
So this week, in all honesty, has been wonderful. Not only have I not had to get the ghastly bus, but I've not had to cope with my ungrateful students who don't appreciate what they have going for them - me. It's tough working with students so close to my age, but it's worse when they're rude and all I'm really there for is to help them and make sure they get it all right.. Not wrong.
Over the last few weeks I've had some days where I've felt lower than others. Kris and I ordered a chinese a week ago to cheer us up. It was 2 hours late, which any normal person would be irritated by, but not only was I annoyed at the incompetence of the take away people, I actually sobbed when it arrived. I mean seriously, who cries over a chinese?
Like I've said, some days are better than others. A fair few of these days I find that I'm my own worst enemy, putting myself down when in reality it's nothing of the sort. Kris and I have been decorating the house the last few days. I did a few walls in our living room and by the time I'd finished, I'd pronounced that I'd done an awful job and I'd let Kris down. Not once had he said anything of the sort, so why did I put myself down like that? I guess it's a confidence thing, but now looking at the wall, I can see that actually, I've done quite a fine job.
The last few days have been better as I've done a few things to help lift my mood.
I saw a counsellor yesterday, which was a bit scary seeing as it was my first ever counselling session, but it was a huge eye opener. As I've said from the beginning, I am quite aware that I'm not depressed, or feeling quite as low as hopeless and helpless. But seeing a counsellor was most definitely the best decision I've made. She gave me a few things to work on, and set me some goals before I see her again. As cliché as it sounds, she showed me the light at the end of the tunnel, and made me realise just how simple it can be to pull me out of my hole.
I don't want to blab on too much about 'poor old me' but I do want to say one thing, and that is the support I've been given by people since this has been going on. Sometimes going through tough times like these are when we realise how loved and cared for we really are. So thank you to those of you that have supported, encouraged and just simply talked to me about it all.
I love knowing I'm loved.
Oh and my lovely hubbie Kris, he's been amazing!
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