Faith.

The one thing my life never used to lack.

The one thing my life is now missing.

As I'm writing this, I'm listening to Hillsong's album Zion. It's been a while since I can put my hands up and say I've listened to Christian music and wanted more.

I want so much to sing the lyrics at the top of my lungs with a heart ready to be overflowed.

Somewhere in me is holding back though. 

For years I went to church. A pretty decent one at that - funnily enough you can actually get naff churches(!)

I worshipped with a full heart, I prayed with a full heart, I listened, I shared, I spoke, I learnt, I loved. 

Then it stopped. 

I got too involved in the politics side of church. I saw people's decisions as their mistakes. I saw the church being one that I didn't agree with. 

Coming up to a year later, I've stepped into a church maybe not even 10 times since. And the longest was to get married!

I miss the sense that I'm not alone in anything. I miss the life where I had no need to worry. I miss the stress free - joy filled life that I once knew.

Most people will say "only you're in control of that" and "gods always got his arms open for you"

I already know all of that. I know what scriptures mean the world to me. I can write down all the moments I've heard God. I can tell you my greatest blessings handed to me because I'm me.

The hardest part, is that I have become my own enemy in this. I want to go to church, maybe even find a new one. Sunday morning comes, and I'm scared. Not because I'm going alone - there's plenty of people offering to join me. But because its new. 

My whole life I grew up in one church. I've always had the same friends. I've always been surrounded by the same people.

And now. I'm starting over. 

New church. New people. New structure. It's all just new. Which is great. Change can be great. 

But I'm not sure when I'll be ready to embrace my own change.

When you have no control, it's fine. Because you have no control.

But I have 100% control over this situation.

I know that God has done his bit. He put me in a family of faith filled believers. He set my feet in a church to understand the importance of a Christian life. He took me to places to show me what life would be like without here. 

And now, whether he's brought me here, or I have. It's my decision